THERE’S A CUPBOARD IN MY HEAD
that stores some strange stuff.  

D’y’know the kinda cupboard I mean?  The one where I never wanna open the door.  You’d swear there’s an alien lurking within, waiting to pounce.  So, I avoid it and pretend it’s not there…. or try to!

BUT of course - things come up to remind me. Things that I really can’t do anything about in that moment.  Some of you may know them quite well?  And all of you have definitely experienced some of them, at some time.  Some come in envelopes blazing words like “Final Notice”.  They feel like a plate straight out the oven….. Too hot to handle!  Just another something/s to shove into “The Cupboard”.  With gingery fingertips, I open the door a crack and chuck them in.

The creature lunges at me.  I throw my body hard against the door and push frantically, knees shaking like jelly, ‘til my pure anguish creates a strength that gets the better of it for just one ‘Nth’ of a second – enough time for me to triumphantly turn the key.

I stand back and check it out……musingly.

“You don’t exist,” is what I say to its bland face. 

“Oh really?” it calls back muffledly.

I push it into the corner of my back room and can barely hear it as I walk away.  I busy myself with stuff that needs doing, but the sounds next door grow more obtrusive.  I hear the creature rattling around and grunting, in tune with the rhythm of  thoughts in my head, shaking and bashing the whole cupboard against the wall.  I try not to hear it and just work harder thinking, “Well there’s no point in worrying if there’s just nothing I can do right now.”  I switch on music - LOUD - and get productive.  Then even LOUDER to drown out the bumping and drumming, pour my nth glass of wine, and simply….. try to get on with it!

And whad’ya know?  More hot mail arrives.  I go through the whole process again and shove it, shaking, into The Cupboard, trying to ignore its rocking, rattling and grumbling which grows louder and bigger yet.  Until I can’t take it any more.

“Please be quiet” I tentatively plead.

And then with a firmer resolve….and a dramatic edge……
(someone inside of me is this unruly actress)

“Enough!  Begone!  With one fell swoop of my battle axe I shall descend upon you and chop you into smithereens.  I shall use you for firewood and build a big bonfire ‘til Thou dost cease to exist…. Anon!”

(Somewhere inside of me too lies the belief that if  you remember that life is a stage and over-dramatise situations into ridiculous realms, things will not seem as bad as they be).

My curiosity and need for control gets the better of me as I go and check it out to see what could be done to still the “geraas”.

I can hear my heart clomping through my chest bones.  Faster and faster as panic teases my vulnerability.  The cupboard’s rocking madly from side to side and back and forth, jiggling a cupboardly bellydance.  The momentum grows and grows till ….

“BWOOSH!”  It splits wide open! 

Splinters shower me and I am slap bang in the centre. Chips cut into my exposed skin and there’s Kak all over me.  “Now what?”

I’m cut to shreds and a cupboardful of the worst, meanest, most disgustingest….*#@!*^% gunk has collapsed upon my head.  So I gotta run for cover.  Dive into the river. Faint! Or do something.  But whatever it is, I gotta do it fast!

There I am… cut to shreds, raw, exposed and very sore …. Now bleeding to deal with this morass of…what’s turning into ….an adhesive sludge.  Much washing and cleansing and rubbing and scrubbing goes on.  All the time well aware of the pain of flesh cutting wounds.  What a procedure!

When all this has being done and I’m still alive, in one piece and extremely low, tear- streaked and humbled;  As my body slowly heals, my mind - that also hasn’t stopped whirring through this erratic and intense process - slows down to a groaning ticking that croaks the question :

“Who and what is this alien creature that was captive in my cupboard and has me engulfed in its sticky embrace?”

Now I ask you, “What do you have in your cupboard?”

Is it the obese tax bill that simply can’t be paid?  Is it the repercussions of the lie let slip?  Is it  hurt inflicted on someone dear though it’s the last thing you wanted to do?  Is it as deep as : how does one live after a loved one dies?  Is it the knot in my belly when I think of my ailing Dad?  Is it the fear of ailing and dying?  Of how to live with AIDS? Is it from an empty belly for want of food?  Is it “How am I going to pay for my kids’ school shoes – let alone school fees?”, or “How am I going to afford my baby’s medicine?” OR

“Why does January and “back to school” start after Xmas?”   

I mean ….  There you are (you can definitely picture the scene) sitting on the beach, under an umbrella, sipping Daquiris (or juice – whatever your flavour) and watching dolphins frolicking in the waves.  Feeling warm and loved and RELAXED!  There’s no cupboard bobbing on the waves nor lurking amongst the palm trees.  Thinking “Life’s not that bad after all!  In fact, it’s jolly awesome!”  

In the next flash of a second… I am plucked out of my deck chair and flung into the inferno’s epicentre!  Surrounded by seething traffic and technology.  

I ask you – “Who the hell thought of such a trick?”

Then as adjustment and routine sets in, I prop my tired feet up at night and soak back into the couch.  But can I escape?  Oh, no!   More flaming news – through the TV – simply blazes directly into my life.  And as it tears into my own living room, ripping hearts open all over the world it rides on the crest of a wave….much like the Tsunami!  

HOW SMALL DO WE FEEL IN A WAVE SO BIG AROUND THE WORLD?

Before I know what’s happened….. I have built another cupboard.   A bigger, stronger model with front-end steel reinforcers and heavy stabilizers that anchor it into the ground.  Plus matrix resistors as an added precaution.  

“Well my friend,” I ask myself now.  “How long is this going to go on for?”….“Are you going to feed the ugly creature until it explodes in your face again?  Are you going to feed the fear?”

OR are you going to open that cupboard door and say,  “Come FEAR, take my hand and step out.  I want to have a good look at you.  I want to see what you’re all about.  You may look more scary in the dark, than you do in the light!”?

Then with many rapid gulps of air, amongst the deafening heartbeats and deep breaths, I open the door a crack. With the realisation that THIS is the MOMENT I need to seize before it slips away from my resolve, or before I shove it in the cupboard too.  Ever ready to bolster my shoulder against the door if need be.  And……Nothing happens!

I open the door wider and step back a bit to have a peek inside. The creature lies curled up, half-asleep in the corner, it’s one eyebrow arched at the sound of the door opening and  peeping cautiously at me expecting the normal flying debris attack.

I stammer “Ppplease come out.”  And inch my hand in a stretch towards it.

It slowly raises itself up and I’m surprised to see it’s smaller than I thought.

“Do come out into the sun where I can see you” say I.

A moment passes by and eventually, seeing the desperation and honesty in my eyes, it steps forward, reaching toward me and grasps my outstretched and quivering hand.  With a tug and a plop, it’s out on the floor.  We check each other out intently In front of the open door.  I invite it to sit down in front of me. 

So it is that we negotiate, separate, analyse, compartmentalise, familiarise, organise  
And, of course, PROCESS for hours…..

I now walk through life, guided by that shadow side of me.  It’s still a shadow, but it’s so much lighter and brighter.  At times it runs in front of me, and at times behind.  Sometimes it takes my hand and pulls me along.  But mostly, it skips along happily beside me.

© Diana K.
Sundancer

To join the Sundancer Lightnetworks & receive a free 
periodic e-zine & associated mailers featuring 
holistic events, news, workshops & therapists 
click on the link below :